In the US, many people are traveling to visit relatives for the Thanksgiving holiday. It is meant to be a celebration of family and togetherness (never mind it’s based on Native Americans helping to save people who would very soon turn in them. History is full of unpleasant ironies.) but is often an excuse for your drunk uncle to fight you over his terrible politics. As a public service, I am going to provide you with a series of opinions that you can fight about instead of politics, gaining at least a little break from having to deal with the one hundredth iteration of how lizard people pedophiles actually ran Biden’s White House. It won’t be any more pleasant, but it will be different.
You are welcome.
Turkey tastes good. Turkey is not bland or dry (if it is, it’s because you didn’t cook it well. You can make any protein dry) or boring. It is, in fact, delicious, much better than ham. Not every food has to be taste as if it was cooked by a spastic seasoning rack. Simple is not the same as bad, and turkey, in its simplicity, is an elegant, tasty food.
All I Want For Xmas is a terrible song. Even for a pop song, it has a boring, repetitive structure and makes terrible use of the vocal capabilities of the singer.
The War on Christmas is justified. Christmas has invaded the other fall holidays, stretching in some places into the territory of Halloween. Other holidays are not parts of historic Christmas and the war must continue until Christmas is forced to return all its unjustly conquered territory. Halloween will be free.
Happy Holidays is a more Christian greeting, in most circumstance, than Merry Christmas. Okay, this one is a little political, but it’s true. One of the tenets of Christianity is to treat your neighbors well. Wishing people you are not intimate with a Happy Holidays at a time when there are multiple holidays being celebrated is just being kind. It conveys a sense of good will regardless of background. Merry Christmas in those circumstances conveys either a lack of care for the recipient’s culture or a belief that the recipients culture is inherently not as worthy as yours. It’s a jerk move, in other words, and Jesus would not want you to be a jerk.
Christmas trees should stay up until Arbor Day. Kill two birds with one plastic tree.
The Cowboys and Lions shouldn’t host every Thanksgiving game. I say this as a Cowboy’s fan — enough. It’s a silly tradition and it would be a lot more fun to have good games on Thanksgiving. Better games would also likely cut down on fights with your drunk uncle.
No holidays should be celebrated with fireworks. My pets wanted me to add this one.
Christmas should be at the end of January. Christmas happens because it aligned with another Roman festival. No one knows when Christ, assuming He was a real person, was born. Putting Christmas at the end of January gives us a nice break in the middle of winter and gives us a nice holiday cadence throughout the winter: Thanksgiving week, New Year’s week, and finally Christmas week, separated by about a month. This allows us to have less hectic end of the year and to have more holidays at a time when we could all use a break — the depth of winter.
Have a nice Thanksgiving to my US readers, and I hope your uncle is too drunk to argue with you.
Want more oddities like this? You can subscribe to my free newsletter
